Being divorced with children sucks, plain and simply put. There is no other way to explain it. It is hard as shit to deal with on a day to day basis. My thoughts run rampant with visions of me and my boys running off to our new villa in Tuscany. As the sun is setting, it has a magnificent red glow and we stop to admire its beauty. The olive groves around us are in bloom and we notice the deer relaxing under the cypress trees. I close my eyes and the mere thought is perfection; I open my eyes and I’m staring at my wall wishing I had my kids tonight.
They left for the shore with their dad for a week today. It is going to be a very long week for me. I know some of you are thinking, “Who cares? Take advantage of some ‘me’ time.” My answer to that is, I don’t need any ‘me’ time. I need my boys. I know that I sound selfish but I hate that I am missing out on moments in their lives that won’t happen again. The thought is excruciating and literally chokes me up! I scream. I yell. I throw things. But then I just fall into a puddle on the floor and weep. And weep. And weep.
My boys are my very best friends; we truly are The Three Amigos. I love the shit outta them and they love the shit outta me. But they also love the shit outta their dad and I will not take that away from them. So I will weep while they are gone without their knowledge. I will weep when I walk into their room at night wishing I could tuck them in and I will weep after they FaceTime me and tell me all that they did for the day and all that I missed.
“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.” ~ Osho
I hope as time goes on this arrangement does get easier; that one day I can finally accept things for what they are. There is really is nothing I can do about it except…deal. Grow the hell up and deal.
I vow to try my best…for them.
I love you to the moon and back my baby boys.