Pity Party for One

Being divorced with children sucks, plain and simply put. There is no other way to explain it. It is hard as shit to deal with on a day to day basis.  My thoughts run rampant with visions of me and my boys running off to our new villa in Tuscany. As the sun is setting, it has a magnificent red glow and we stop to admire its beauty. The olive groves around us are in bloom and we notice the deer relaxing under the cypress trees.  I close my eyes and the mere thought is perfection; I open my eyes and I’m staring at my wall wishing I had my kids tonight.

They left for the shore with their dad for a week today.  It is going to be a very long week for me.  I know some of you are thinking, “Who cares?  Take advantage of some ‘me’ time.”  My answer to that is, I don’t need any ‘me’ time.  I need my boys.  I know that I sound selfish but I hate that I am missing out on moments in their lives that won’t happen again. The thought is excruciating and literally chokes me up!  I scream.  I yell.  I throw things.  But then I just fall into a puddle on the floor and weep. And weep. And weep.

My boys are my very best friends; we truly are The Three Amigos.  I love the shit outta them and they love the shit outta me. But they also love the shit outta their dad and I will not take that away from them.  So I will weep while they are gone without their knowledge.  I will weep when I walk into their room at night wishing I could tuck them in and I will weep after they FaceTime me and tell me all that they did for the day and all that I missed.

“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new.”  ~ Osho

I hope as time goes on this arrangement does get easier; that one day I can finally accept things for what they are. There is really is nothing I can do about it except…deal. Grow the hell up and deal.

I vow to try my best…for them.

I love you to the moon and back my baby boys.

Be safe…xoxo

Mommy

One comment

  1. calamity jane

    while it must be heart wrenching, i cannot admire your position on this situation any more than i do at this moment.
    to have such a love for your boys and to not let your sadness turn you into some of ‘those mothers’ i used to know at a preschool where i taught.
    divorce is an ugly thing to have to choose… and not something that people just do for the heck of it. it stinks that you went through it. it stinks that your kids will have to divide their time. but you have decided to let your love outshine any bitterness you feel… and that just speaks of an inner beauty that the world is wanting.
    would that there were more parents choosing to act so unselfishly.

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